Sigh

I've been sighing all week, so i thought i'd emphasize it by titling this entry as such. And it's all because of the financial business. First of all, im not a very...financially informed person. I've never had to actually worry about financial things at all before. And it is not that I'm rich or anything near that, its because I've never been a financial burden before. When I was in Elementary school, my parents didn't really have to worry about paying because a friend of my parents was financially sponsoring me to go to school there. It was a private school. Then once the tuition was getting way too high, I went to public school. And I've been in public school ever since.

As for myself, I don't go shopping like some people. I don't go out and buy clothes or "outfits". I buy shoes once a year. I don't eat much. And whatever it was I wanted, I either waited till it was on clearance or found it at the swapmeet. My only costly aspect is the costume hobby I have. But even then, I spend it with the lunch money i've saved or not used in order to do this. Ofcourse, sometimes i have to rely on my parents for some things that I didn't have enough money for. Like my Transformers Obsession. But I've gotten over it (for now), lol.

So I really try not to be a costly child. When it comes to something like this now, I feel so horrible for putting my parents in this type of situation and I have no way to help. I dont have a job and my parents don't want me to have a job. Everything else is most likely pretty much up to me still.

I guess this is where I feel even worse. *insert sigh here* I haven't acquired any scholarships. Except for the one offered by Ringling. And I also got a call today from Laguna College. They told me that they raised my scholarship from 3500 to 5500. I felt so bad for telling them I won't be going. And I felt so many levels worse because i declined 5000 dollars. I feel like crying and going to sleep. But I'm cooler than that.

It's all up to me.. And I really don't mind just getting loans and being in debt. But I still feel like i have a duty to do something. Try more scholarship, get a job, get art commissions, not being such a loser. I almost feel bitter towards the Government for their ineffective FAFSA thing. I almost feel bitter towards people who don't deserve help from the govn't, but they get it. I almost feel bitter towards the corruption in the govn't and rich people. But I always keep in mind that there are people worse off. Like the lower to middle class white people. I almost rarely see any scholarships that are available for caucasian people, unless they are like super smart or have "connections".

I don't expect people to really empathize with my situation, since I know many people, who you could say is worse off, that work their butt off everyday by going to school & working, then get no help or parental kindness from their parents, and have to pay their own bills already. If they read this, they'd say "too bad, so sad". They'd say many things that aren't nice. And it'd make me wish they had a easier and happier life. Life isn't easy, i know my share of it, but if there were more sincere kindness in this world... Then again, what dimension did I crawl out of, huh? There is no such evidence of a world where a majority of the world's people are not dog eat dog.

Yey for going out of topic. I just need to get loans and scholarship.. I just wanna learn already.